Stranded at Walmart: A Tale of Ice and Woe

Note: Tuesday, February 11, 2014 was a ridiculously icy day. The following is a contemporary account of my time stranded by the ice in a strange land.

6:15: Mom texts me ten times about icy roads. My morning alarm was set for 6:30, alas.

7:30: Walking out to my car to discover it covered in a thick layer of ice. Calling my supervisor to let her know I might be late.

7:40: Still de-icing the car. Using a plastic card since I live in Texas and we never have ice. The card is ineffective.

7:50: Backing out of the driveway. The driveway is uphill and icy, but I manage to make it out. I call my supervisor again and let her know I WILL be late.

8:05: I make it to Sherwood Way after sliding down the highway at 25 mph with my flashers on, while making unexpected lane changes. I see a truck swerve haphazardly through the intersection and into the Stripes gas station. I decide that I want to LIVE.

8:07: I somehow manage to slip into the Walmart parking lot. I call my supervisor a third time, tell her that the roads are suicide, and that I am stranded and won't be coming in.

8:10: I walk inside. People are wandering around, as if in a daze. This being Walmart, many are either oilfield workers, or folks dressed in sweatpants.

8:14: Ordering breakfast at the in-store McDonald's. There aren't many patrons, but the few I see seem to be refugees like I am. Still, I do see that some people are out grocery shopping in this weather (in sweatpants)!

8:30ish: They make an announcement over the loudspeakers calling all managers. Dunno if this is routine but it seems ominous.

8:50: Phone battery about to die. Purchasing car charger. Another Walmart worker tells my cashier that a lot of their personnel have called in.

9:10: I walk to the ice cube that is my car. I keep hearing ambulance sirens. There's a small dog yapping at me from inside a nearby SUV. I get a brief charge on my phone. Grabbing iPad.

9:15: Back to McD's for a large coffee, and I see that a crowd of ice refugees has gathered there. I genuinely hope they're also stranded, and not being dumb by ignoring the ice warnings. You know, like I did.

9:20: I'm reading Facebook (thanks, free wi-fi!) and seeing all the news stories about fatal accidents related to the ice. Ye gods.

10:05: I purchase a can of de-icing solution. Possibly not good for the environment, but hey, the environment did this to me and I'm fighting back. I mention to the cheery cashier that I am stuck and she may be seeing me again.

10:30: I de-ice my car. It's cold. Damn cold. Yappy dog's owners have returned; poor little guy must be cold.

11:00 or so: I meander through the DVD's and menswear, and call my sister for a weather update. Nothing has changed. And apparently they only sell cowboy hats here.

11:40 or thereabouts: I buy an ice scraper mitt and a cheap video game. I make small talk with the same cheery cashier as before, and she recognizes me. She recommends going to either the Subway or the Chick Fil A for lunch. "You could go to Wendy's, but ehhhh," she says.

12:00: I walk down to the Stripes station where the Subway is, and buy a sandwich and some thick gloves. The parking lot isn't bad, but the sidewalks are slippery. The bathroom almost makes me lose my appetite.

12:30: Back inside Walmart. They must think I'm some homeless guy.

12:45: I wander through the sports department. I call my parents, who were sensible and stayed home. So far, all signs point to icy roads. I'm starting to get really sick of Walmart.

12:55: I start to contemplate the meaning of life, and conclude it must be sweatpants.

1:00: I get a large Coke at McD's. The manager surely recognizes me by now. I check Facebook and leave a status update asking for news. Some old lady sitting nearby is griping at her husband and is using the twangiest accent imaginable.

1:15: I hear from Facebook that the roads are a little better. My co-workers must think I'm a weenie.

1:20: Leaving Walmart. Going to try to drive home before I lose my mind.

1:25: On the highway. It seems less slick than before, although I do see several cars on the sides of the road. My teeth are chattering, and NOT because of the cold.

1:30: I make it safely back home. I collapse into a coma on my bed. I try not to dream about sweatpants.

The following Saturday: Today's high was 81 Fahrenheit. Ye gods.

My stated sandwich agenda is the same as my subliminal one

Somewhere on the planet Earth at this very moment, a sandwich is being born.

And this is an amazing thing, because sandwiches are the perfect foods. Without a doubt, you can't go wrong with a sandwich.

Now, you may wonder: why sandwiches?

Don't fret, I'll tell you. You see, a sandwich is portable and handheld. It can be any combination or configuration of foods, for better or for worse, between two pieces of bread or whatever.

Wait. "Whatever?"

I remember a sandwich that had two fried chicken breasts as the bun. Or another that used a donut, or a patty melt that used two grilled cheese sandwiches as the bun. Yeah, it happened.

Can't understand why you would want to get rid of regular bread, aside from maybe a gluten allergy. Or maybe you're on one of those carb-free diets, which sucks because you can't eat sandwiches. But I'm wavering from the point.

Heart attacks probably will put a stop to this activity.

Everybody, everywhere, who ate one of those chicken-bun sandwiches will probably get a clogged artery and kick the bucket. I don't have the exact figures on cholesterol content, but I'm sure I'm right.

So yeah.

Really, though, besides all that business, you are always on a path to victory with these open-source culinary delights. They make great party snacks, or quick meals.

Under a blue sky? Take a sandwich and have a picnic. Indoors? Sandwiches work there as well.

Legends of sandwiches will outlive all of us. Scholars from the future will look back on us and call us the "Sandwich Age." We will be the wise philosophers of old, to a future age, because we made food better!

Except for the chicken-bun sandwiches. I really hope history disregards those.

COMIC: Non-Bitstrips

So there's this thing called Bitstrips that's currently making the rounds as the latest Facebook fad. It basically allows users to create comic strips about themselves and their friends, without actually drawing anything.

It's a neat concept, but since I draw those types of comics anyway, I thought I'd make my own:

COMIC: My Grade School Arch-Nemesis!!!

COMIC / WRITING: Shattered Dreamers

COMIC: Galena Non Grata

Fluxing AWESOME

So I ordered a flux capacitor patch off of BTTF.net, because (as I often say, and as everyone already knows) Back to the Future is my favorite movie series, and the proceeds would go toward restoring the original "A" car DeLorean from Part I.

Which is a nice thing to do.

I'd heard that BTTF writer/producer Bob Gale had signed a few of these patches way back when, but I only ordered mine a couple of weeks ago, and I thought that surely, SURELY at this late date, I wouldn't get an autographed one.

Well, I got this package in the mail today:

And holy moley, that's got the signature of the man who co-wrote my favorite movie.

I mean, whoa.

The best part is, I just came off of a massive trilogy binge this weekend. I'd had waaaaaaay too much caffeine, so I stayed up and watched all three movies, back to back to back, until four in the morning. Just 'cause.

Anyway, I'm going to sit here and revel in the awesomeness. I'm thinking about putting this in my safety deposit box, or even behind a frame. Because yeah.

Or it could share space with the poster on my wall...

Get back, Marty.